Finding My Way





Not gonna lie, I've been having a really tough time lately.  I know it's been a while since my last post and it's because I've been struggling.  Life has taken an odd turn; things have both improved and also been super disappointing all at the same time.  The good news is that the family issues that have defined my life for the past three years have been resolved. Sadly, my father-in-law passed away in July (I miss you every day Dad!) and my mother-in-law is now comfortably situated in assisted living where she is settled in, making friends and making it work (Go Mom!!).  I had been in a care-taking role, driving back and forth to NJ on a regular basis for a long time and I now find myself with what feels like a lot of spare time on my hands plus we are no longer in crises mode.  I am pretty good in a crises but now that I'm not dealing with one (or more) I feel like I am casting about looking for something to do with all this excess energy.  I'm restless and uncertain of who I am and where I'm supposed to be.

Compounding all of this was a big disappointment around a life decision that didn't pan out along with my coach taking a job as a head coach and general manager for a new box which opened in a location that makes it hard for me to see him regularly.  Our workouts have become once a week affairs with the focus on Oly lifting.  I'm lucky I get a chance to get extra coaching but I miss his input and advice as well as his friendship and I feel adrift.

I thought, well heck, now that I can lift my head up from family stuff, that I would go back to work. After all full-time retirement at 57 feels just a tad early plus I have way too much knowledge and passion to put myself on the shelf just yet.  So, I put myself out there, called some folks in my network and even applied for what is basically my old job at Comcast.  I wasn't expecting to be welcomed back with open arms and offered the job in two days, but I was hoping for at least a phone call.  Turns out that I'm not qualified to do the job I did three years ago. Here's what their very nice rejection email said: "Based on the needs for this particular role, we decided to not move you forward in the process, as there are candidates with qualifications and career history that we believe are better aligned with our needs at this time."  Does all the experience, knowledge and skill that made me a high performer just a short time ago, count for nothing?  

So, the past few months have been filled with soul sucking rejection and disappointment.  Instead of responding like a hero I have let everything that's happened beat me down.  Always before I've had something that gave me a purpose and a reason to get up in the morning, a job that needed to be done, someone that needed me to be there for them, a project that needed to be completed or even a workout to put in the books.  In response, I have been eating and avoiding workouts, indulging in the same self-destructive behavior that got me to 250 pounds. If I keep these behaviors up, I'll be right back where I was in very short order.  I am in very serious danger of losing everything I've gained.

Thanks to writing this post I am beginning to see that there are a couple of bright spots in my life. I am self-aware enough to see what's going on and I am fortunate that I have a tremendously supportive husband and a few close friends upon whom I can rely to keep me propped up.  And, if I think about it, I am damn lucky to have the luxury of time and space to be able to figure things out.  Yes, I feel rejected.  Yes, I feel a bit lost.  Yes, I feel purposeless.  BUT, I also have choices.  I can choose whether to let those feelings define me, or I can do the work I need to do to find a new purpose.  I think the Universe is being pretty clear that going back to what I used to do isn't the right thing, that maybe my "second act" lies elsewhere.

I can also choose to stop indulging in self-pity and wallowing in my negative feelings and get my ass back to the gym, put some structure back into my day and focus some of that excess energy into getting ready for the Open.  I know this isn't going to be the year I break out into the top 500 but I can at least show up, do my best, and be the gym's most vocal cheerleader. I also am not giving up on getting to the top 200. The Quest will continue because, by golly, I have worked too hard to abandon it now!

In the meantime I am going to do my best to acknowledge and respect my feelings while not getting swallowed up.  I'll also start the process of figuring out how I can best make a difference with the gifts that have been given me, and I know that I have a few. If there is one thing that defines me, it's my desire to make the world a better place and to help others use their gifts, improve their lives and live those lives to the very fullest. 

I have a lot of work to do, time to get to it!

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